Of late I have been packing in self confidence area. Matter a fact I was having a self doubt crisis… ok dam it was a full on melt down.
The old “so many pretty ladies I know on social media achieving” served with a side of “I am too old/wrinkly to be in the same game as them” sunk me deeper than a pirates chest in a sunken ship in stormy seas.
Felling rough, I told my husband. I was left salty with part of his reply “I love you but sometimes your hard work”. I confided in my good friend Miss Mollie Tov who said “I understand”.
Both listened and listened well. Both gave good advise as well as trying to build me up.
My Inner critic is, well, strong willed to say the least at the best of times. A relative of mine often told me in a jesting manner (when I was a child) that I was the mistake of the family – and although said in fun it has laid resident in my mind all these years.
Me = mistake
It takes me several days to kick one of these episodes sepisodes in the klangers, and although this one has almost evacuted my own personal space to take grips on its next victim, I know it will come back to sleep if I let it.
Observation – my inner critic is quite different to haters who post negative comments about my body. My Inner critic does not feed off their comments interestingly enough.
So last week I quit Burlesque, and I quit Pin Up shows. Why? Because I thought that was the right thing to do. All my fears manifesting in my mind; I asked myself why did I even start.
I started because I wanted to improve my self esteem. I started as I wanted to prove to myself I was/am just as beautiful as the women before me. I wanted to justify my claims that every women (and man) is acceptable to society in any shape or form.
It is for these reasons I carry on.
Oh by the way I am not quitting, I am learning..